Three viewings and a funeral

Not how I pictured spending the end of 2006.

The first viewing (on the 21st), and the funeral (on the 22nd) was for my mother.

The second viewing (the 26th) was for Margaret, one of the ladies from the nursing home--her room was two doors down from Mom's. She passed away on Dec 23rd. Her husband, Gus, was just like my dad. He went there every day to feed his wife, even though by the end Margaret didn't know him, didn't know anyone, least of all herself. She was truly in the final stages of Alzheimer's. Margaret was 81, just like Mom.

The third viewing was the hardest; even harder than my mother's. I had been prepared for Mom's since the day she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The last two weeks of her life had really prepared me for her end. I knew it was coming, so the viewing was just the next step and I was able to handle it.

This last viewing, on the 27th, was wretched. Dawn was one of the managers at our bank. She had the patience of a saint as she helped my dad deal with the fiasco my mother's Alzheimer's had created of their finances. Dad made the money, Mom handled the books. That is how it had been from day one of their marriage, 51 years ago.

Dad's first clue that Mom was sick was when she screwed up the accounts so bad no one knew what had happened. Dawn helped Dad fix it, she answered his endless questions, educated him in the ways of the checkbook, fixed the problems, supported him. When I moved back to Maryland and started the legal process of getting my parents' affairs in order -- power of attorney, medical directives, new will for Dad, etc -- Dawn provided assistance with a smile on her face and a "no problem", every time. Even when I asked for the same information she had provided two months before because now Social Services wanted the same information, Dawn had a smile on her face and got what I needed. Dawn was kind and cheerful and never made me or my father feel like a burden, even when I knew we were being a burden.

I never thanked Dawn for being kind to my parents. Never told her how much I appreciated her help. I hate that I didn't do that. At her viewing I told her husband, but it wasn't the same. I should have told Dawn.

Dawn was 46 years old. Breast cancer took her from her three teen age children, her husband, her family, friends. That was a rough viewing. Did I mention all three viewings were at the same funeral home? If I never, ever walk into that funeral home again it will be too soon.

I don't do resolutions, least of all at New Year's. But this year is different. When I walked out of the funeral home the third time, sad because I had never told Dawn how lovely and kind she was, I made a resolution. I resolve to acknowledge kindness, to thank people for the nice things they do.

So let me start. To all of you who wrote lovely things to me regarding my mother, in my blog, in PMs, in email -- thank you. To all of you who quietly sent good thoughts and love and said prayers for my family -- thank you. I appreciate it and am immensely grateful for this wonderful online community.

May your new year be filled with love, joy, good health, and endless kindness.

Vera

Born on a farm in Pennsylvania 81 years ago, Vera was one of 13 children. She moved to Baltimore with her sister Vada after she graduated from high school. It was the early 40's and she became a welder in the shipyards supporting the war effort. Yep, Vera was a Rosie the Riveter.

She met her future husband Virgil on a blind date and they married 6 months later. They had two children, two grandchildren, and 51 years of marriage. She was an Army wife and packed up a two year old and a three month old and moved the family to Germany with no complaints. She endured Virgil's extended absence when he was stationed in Korea for a year and she was left at home with an 8 year old and a 6 year old. Virgil was a soldier when she met him and she knew being an Army wife wouldn't be easy but she didn't care. She loved Virgil.

She also loved to read, travel, do puzzles, laugh -- her favorite movie was "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum". She was a kick ass bowler and won several medals with the Maryland Senior Olympics and the US National Senior Olympics. Most importantly she loved her family.

She survived breast cancer and multiple myeloma. She struggled with Alzheimer's at the end but never complained, even when she wasn't sure where she was or who she was with.

Vera was my mom.

Vera died yesterday. I had the honor of being by her side when she finally decided it was time to go. I miss the mom I had before the Alzheimer's. I miss the mom I had after the Alzheimer's. But right now she is not in pain, she is not confused, and she is surrounded by love and for that I am truly thankful.

Goodbye Mom. You were the best. I love you.